30 Things Rachel Does Not Know About Al
by ThoughtCriminal
Summary: Pierce tells all


I stole this format from wicked18writer who writes mostly in the Southern Vampire Mysteries/True Blood fandom, but it seemed like something the Hollows fandom could run with. I hope others try their own lists. I'd be curious to see what people come up with =)

Rated T for language, general naughtiness, and just to be safe.

I hate Pierce, so if he sounds like a whiny bastard…all the better.

I own nothing, I just like to dress Kim's dollies up in drag and parade them around for our entertainment…ooppss

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30 Things Rachel Does Not Know About Al

Rachel sighed in relief, having finally finished washing out the large iron cauldron that had held the latest curse Al had been trying to force into her head. She crossed Al's workroom to find a rag suitable for drying, but a note on the stone work table caught her eye. The handwriting was too flowing and large to be Al's cramped hand, and Rachel peered down at it before recognizing it as Pierce's elegant script. She huffed and almost ignored it, but then curiosity got the best of her, and she began reading Pierce's note.

_Mistress Witch, I'm of a mind to let you know the many things I've discovered concerning this despicable demon you insist upon defending. If you were privy to the facts as I am, you could not with an unburdened mind subject yourself to his company every week. I hope that this list, which I have complied at great personal risk to myself, will convince you of your folly in remaining Al's student._

_1. Al insists on singing "If all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops oh what a rain it would be" in the shower, everyday...and he takes all the hot water without remorse._

_2. Al's television viewing habits consist mostly of BBC for obvious reasons, Big Cat Diary because he enjoys laughing at the antelope as they are eaten, The Price is Right so he can guess the price of the contestants and not the prizes, and other shows of a more risqué nature I shall not mention to Mistress Witch._

_3. Al learned and perfected his British accent from watching reruns of the original Doctor Who, and passionately hates all other incarnations of the doctor except the original William Hartnell._

_4. If left to his own devices, Al will subsist off a diet of eel and chips with vinegar, though I assure, Mistress Witch, this is not in any way indicative of a normal British diet._

_5. Still insists he did not devour one of Zoe's fingers just because he was feeling a bit peckish._

_6. When Mistress Witch is not around, the demon in question spends a great quantity of his time with red-haired "ladies" of the evening._

_7. In a similar obsession, Al has tried to threaten, cajole, and bribe me into putting on a red wig and leather pants, though I assure you the vile demon got nowhere in his advances._

_8. Al has traded sexual favors with his summoners and particularly brags about having bedded many historical personas such as:_

_9. Clodia Metelli_

_10. Benjamin Franklin_

_11. Oscar Wilde_

_12. Betty White_

_13. President Elect Rynn Cormel_

_14. Is verbally abusive. Al not only calls me "runt" but also moron, ghost dweeb, and once, the amazing specter of fuck-ups._

_15. I have once observed Al humming the modern song "I'm Too Sexy" while attiring himself in his velvet frock coat._

_16. Has renamed your Mr. Fish as Mr. Fishstick and has threatened to feed him to me if I do not, as he puts it, "_shut my ever-yammering trap_"._

_17. Has an unnatural obsession with sweets and cakes of nearly all kinds, but is particularly lustful for German Chocolate._

_18. Has hoarded away, supposedly for your use, drawers of women's green lacy undergarments made to match his own attire._

_19. I'm afraid to say, but Al has bragged at many parties I've been forced to attend about your prowess in bed, and since you've made me swear never to reveal that we've been intimate, I regretfully cannot defend your honor in these circumstances._

_20. Specifically, Al has claimed in bed that you are voracious_

21…_limber_

22…_open-minded_

23…_and delightfully vocal._

_24. Al is a reckless and rather unlucky gambler, having once lost all his pocket change, his glasses, his clothes including his undergarments, and his collection of vintage hair pieces and 17th century wigs in the outcome of a wrestling match between two female trolls. _

_25. He is the most god-awful Bridge player I've ever had the misfortune of being paired with._

_26. He cheats at Bridge, Rummy, Old Maid, and Go Fish._

_27. And he still manages to lose more often than not._

_28. One would think with his perchance for losing, he would have developed grace in defeat, but this is not the case. Al is an exceedingly sore loser and bemoans his losses for days on end._

_29. The only time Al enjoys the losing he is so very skilled at is during games of strip poker, which I was only tricked into playing once. For the demons with the losing hands do not remove articles of clothing, but the unfortunate familiar does. Needless to say, I refuse to be party to anymore demonic card games._

_30. It is quite obvious to me, though perhaps it has slipped your attention, Mistress Witch, that Al has carnal designs on your person, and it would be in your best interest to desist seeing the nefarious demon ever again._

Rachel's laughter echoed off the high stone walls of Al's workroom. Demons blow eternity playing Bridge and Strip Poker? And Pierce's new nick name is ghost dweeb? She'd have to use that one herself sometime. Though it might be funny to leave the note for Al to find, Rachel pocketed the heavy linen paper. After all, while Pierce was annoying, but she didn't necessarily want Al murdering him. And Ivy would certainly get a kick out of the list too.

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Just for funnsies, I promise I'll get back to work on Roommates now…

But I really would love to see other people's take on this format for the Hollows fandom!


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